Semana Santa a bust
Reports of rampaging crocodiles on the streets and beaches of La Manz kept the crowds away.
Immigration blues
For the first time in a very long time the whole gringo population has collectively got something to talk about... the implementation of the new immigration laws. Needless to say, there is widespread agreement ... nobody is happy about them. Now it is harder to obtain permanent or even temporary residency, with new hoops to jump through, as well as costing a lot more money. But the part that really has nobs irked is what has changed regarding their best friends... their vehicles. (when it comes to cars even dogs take a back seat, and here that is saying something) Most, of course, are taking the new rules as a personal affront to their god-given right as gringos to be able to drive their beloved automobiles here without current registrations, safety inspections etc. Many have operated their vehicles here for over 10 years without ever once queuing up to renew anything. This has long been a privilege which most will not happily auto-mad-glee relinquish. They've enjoyed a glorious joy ride while the Mexican authorities have looked the other way, allowing them to live here turning a blind eye to the illegal operation of said vehicles. Well, the free ride is over folks, you can no longer have your car and drive it too, without paying the piper.
Another disturbing immigration change (enforcement) became apparent recently when one gringo made the semi-annual pilgrimage to the border to renew tourist and vehicle permits. This time he was refused outright and was instructed to high-tail it out of the country and not return for another 6 months (yet another long-ignored law that now thanks to computers can be enforced). The new financial requirements for permanent residency are much stiffer causing many long-time residents, who cannot come up with the necessary bucks, to have to leave the country. Expect the gringo stated reasons to be some type of Mexico bashing. One recent victim is our buddy John, author of "As the Mud Slides", who after 18 years of living in Mexico was refused a visa and told to get out. We are sorry to announce that this issue's episode will be the second to last.
At the emporium Waldo, the owner, is in conversation with Annette. Annabelle slips in without being noticed.
Annette -Waldo you have a fine store here with all the necessary products from back home. So, how come you don't have employees that speak better English? Its hard to get what you want when you are not here.
Waldo- I know, but I have to hire Mexican employees to stay legal and open. It's hard to find any who are reliable, trustworthy and speak English.
Annette- What about that American owned bakery. They don't have any Mexican employees.
Waldo- I know, I guess because they are American they don't feel that Mexican law applies to them.
Annette- That is weird. Coming from that shit hole country how could they think they are better than anyone?
Annabelle-What the fuck!? (Annette's dog has placed its snout firmly up Annabelle's ass)
Waldo- Who's over there?
Annabelle- What makes you think you can come down here and let your mutt run around unrestrained. I bet you can't do that back in Canada.
waldo- How long have you been here?
Annabelle- Long enough to hear your little tirade about how fucked up Americans are.
Annette- Well, we didn't mean all Americans, some are okay. And for your information there are no leash laws in Mexico.
Annabelle- At least none that you are aware of you stuck up twit. Why don't you go back to Canada and wait the 2 years for the medical procedure to remove that attitude.Oh and by the way you can keep your fucking M&Ms. (she throws them on the floor, and stomps out.)
Waldo and Annette - Fuckin' Americans.
Meanwhile back at the real estate office...
Wish- Let's have some tequila boys. (He pours out 3 shots. They all drink)
Gary- God damn it Wish, what is this shit? I thought you only got the best?
Ian- Really man, this is some bad assed shit to be giving to guests. I'll need a beer just to wash the taste out of my mouth.
Wish- I don't have any beer.
Gary and Ian in unison- What!!?
Gary- No beer. What the hell is going on here?
Wish- There's no point in having beer if i don't have a fridge. I sold it to buy the tequila.Why don't you drop the price you want for your house and then I may be able to move it and be solvent again for a few months?
Gary- Whats the point of building it if I cant make a hefty profit from it?
Ian- You are never going to get rid of it while that blog exists. We need to get rid of it.
Gary- Look there it's that Wilma chick. She's behind it, I mean she's here all the time and is pretty outspoken.
Wish- Nah, it can't be her. She care takes houses here. Doing the blog would be like shooting herself in the foot.
Ian- She does have a limp. Anyways we need to get our heads together and figure it out.
Wish- Amen to that.
Gary-But in the meantime we should just find someone to blame. It doesn't matter who, as long as we make someone the pariah. Then at least everyone can blame them, and thus everything will be seen as okay and all criticism will be seen as the drunken opinion of one loser.
All- hmmmmm.
A while back several plane loads of tourists received a most unpleasant welcome to Mexico. At the Manzanillo airport the machine at customs with the red and green lights fucked up and virtually everyone pushing the button got a red light. Not having a contingency plan for this type of occurrence, customs officers proceeded to search every one's luggage who got the red light, which was practically everyone. As the planeloads of passengers started to stack up, tempers began running high. Especially those at the back of the line who were still standing out on the tarmac in the hot sun. Inside, things weren't much better in the non air conditioned customs hall. A few who exploded into tirades were spared the wait as they were whisked off by the police. As the people piled up the vendors were allowed in to sell water and snacks at much higher prices than the already exorbitant prices they were charging out front. Very few took this situation with much humor and many were heard spewing their bovine opinions about never returning. Things eventually cleared up but many had items confiscated and a few were busted for contraband and hauled off to jail. The glitch in the machine was later discovered to be a shorted-out circuit caused by a wayward gecko.
With the moving of the beloved taco truck at the corner by the croc pit a void has been created on the said corner. Fortunately some gringos have come up with a brilliant idea that may well both make money and improve the community. In the near future a mobile mental health vending machine will be introduced. An old horse trailer has been converted into a sound proof replica of a shrinks office albeit smaller. Still, there is a comfortable couch to lie on and a wide selection of counseling techniques are available from the vending machine located within. for an exorbitant fee one can relax and spew their 'issues' that are received by a voice recognition system, within minutes an art of the state computer responds in a manner that corresponds to the pre-selected psychology with some appropriate psycho babble to assist the client. Based upon observed mass psychosis within the local population it is sure to be a popular spot, particularly during tourist season. Multilingual services will be available.
Another disturbing immigration change (enforcement) became apparent recently when one gringo made the semi-annual pilgrimage to the border to renew tourist and vehicle permits. This time he was refused outright and was instructed to high-tail it out of the country and not return for another 6 months (yet another long-ignored law that now thanks to computers can be enforced). The new financial requirements for permanent residency are much stiffer causing many long-time residents, who cannot come up with the necessary bucks, to have to leave the country. Expect the gringo stated reasons to be some type of Mexico bashing. One recent victim is our buddy John, author of "As the Mud Slides", who after 18 years of living in Mexico was refused a visa and told to get out. We are sorry to announce that this issue's episode will be the second to last.
Mud sliding
the continuing saga of the gentrification of La Mansionilla
the continuing saga of the gentrification of La Mansionilla
At the emporium Waldo, the owner, is in conversation with Annette. Annabelle slips in without being noticed.
Annette -Waldo you have a fine store here with all the necessary products from back home. So, how come you don't have employees that speak better English? Its hard to get what you want when you are not here.
Waldo- I know, but I have to hire Mexican employees to stay legal and open. It's hard to find any who are reliable, trustworthy and speak English.
Annette- What about that American owned bakery. They don't have any Mexican employees.
Waldo- I know, I guess because they are American they don't feel that Mexican law applies to them.
Annette- That is weird. Coming from that shit hole country how could they think they are better than anyone?
Annabelle-What the fuck!? (Annette's dog has placed its snout firmly up Annabelle's ass)
Waldo- Who's over there?
Annabelle- What makes you think you can come down here and let your mutt run around unrestrained. I bet you can't do that back in Canada.
waldo- How long have you been here?
Annabelle- Long enough to hear your little tirade about how fucked up Americans are.
Annette- Well, we didn't mean all Americans, some are okay. And for your information there are no leash laws in Mexico.
Annabelle- At least none that you are aware of you stuck up twit. Why don't you go back to Canada and wait the 2 years for the medical procedure to remove that attitude.Oh and by the way you can keep your fucking M&Ms. (she throws them on the floor, and stomps out.)
Waldo and Annette - Fuckin' Americans.
Meanwhile back at the real estate office...
Wish- Let's have some tequila boys. (He pours out 3 shots. They all drink)
Gary- God damn it Wish, what is this shit? I thought you only got the best?
Ian- Really man, this is some bad assed shit to be giving to guests. I'll need a beer just to wash the taste out of my mouth.
Wish- I don't have any beer.
Gary and Ian in unison- What!!?
Gary- No beer. What the hell is going on here?
Wish- There's no point in having beer if i don't have a fridge. I sold it to buy the tequila.Why don't you drop the price you want for your house and then I may be able to move it and be solvent again for a few months?
Gary- Whats the point of building it if I cant make a hefty profit from it?
Ian- You are never going to get rid of it while that blog exists. We need to get rid of it.
Gary- Look there it's that Wilma chick. She's behind it, I mean she's here all the time and is pretty outspoken.
Wish- Nah, it can't be her. She care takes houses here. Doing the blog would be like shooting herself in the foot.
Ian- She does have a limp. Anyways we need to get our heads together and figure it out.
Wish- Amen to that.
Gary-But in the meantime we should just find someone to blame. It doesn't matter who, as long as we make someone the pariah. Then at least everyone can blame them, and thus everything will be seen as okay and all criticism will be seen as the drunken opinion of one loser.
All- hmmmmm.
Customs blues
A while back several plane loads of tourists received a most unpleasant welcome to Mexico. At the Manzanillo airport the machine at customs with the red and green lights fucked up and virtually everyone pushing the button got a red light. Not having a contingency plan for this type of occurrence, customs officers proceeded to search every one's luggage who got the red light, which was practically everyone. As the planeloads of passengers started to stack up, tempers began running high. Especially those at the back of the line who were still standing out on the tarmac in the hot sun. Inside, things weren't much better in the non air conditioned customs hall. A few who exploded into tirades were spared the wait as they were whisked off by the police. As the people piled up the vendors were allowed in to sell water and snacks at much higher prices than the already exorbitant prices they were charging out front. Very few took this situation with much humor and many were heard spewing their bovine opinions about never returning. Things eventually cleared up but many had items confiscated and a few were busted for contraband and hauled off to jail. The glitch in the machine was later discovered to be a shorted-out circuit caused by a wayward gecko.
Mobile health unit
With the moving of the beloved taco truck at the corner by the croc pit a void has been created on the said corner. Fortunately some gringos have come up with a brilliant idea that may well both make money and improve the community. In the near future a mobile mental health vending machine will be introduced. An old horse trailer has been converted into a sound proof replica of a shrinks office albeit smaller. Still, there is a comfortable couch to lie on and a wide selection of counseling techniques are available from the vending machine located within. for an exorbitant fee one can relax and spew their 'issues' that are received by a voice recognition system, within minutes an art of the state computer responds in a manner that corresponds to the pre-selected psychology with some appropriate psycho babble to assist the client. Based upon observed mass psychosis within the local population it is sure to be a popular spot, particularly during tourist season. Multilingual services will be available.
LaManz to get Autopista
Many have been asking - "What's going on up on the highway just out of town?" The answer is Autopista, a mini toll road that will short cut into town. The arroyo through town is simultaneously being widened and graded to accommodate the new thoroughfare which will connect up with the project on the highway. Completion of the project is scheduled for the beginning of the next tourist season. The project foreman was asked what's going to happen during the rainy season when the new multi-lane arroyo turns into a raging river... "I just builds them- what happens after is someone else's problem".
hey Tom, ever been to lamanzanilla?
you might think its goofy, but/ thats the town i love the best./ while away down south in ontario/, i was buying up the bargains in the old market place./ at forty five below zero,/ i got no girl, there's nothing on tv,/ so i flew/ way down south in Mexico./ just a barbeque with a friend or two,/ the old folks gather in the parlor./ when i climbed your hills of promise,/ on tragedy trail./ the man at the top,/ he tries to smile. /when he said bend over i was ready to leave. /nothing but a dirty old man./ Must have burned at the way i turned my nose up in the air and said/ " i wont go along with your plan",and streaked off. with Irish Jim O'Connell. and Scotty Jack,MacDonald. and waldo./
Shanty town./ we're out to have a fun day for its Saturday tonight. down the street you can hear the beat, and the clickin of the dancers heal./ me and my sue are going to woop de doo. /but thats all right./she could have been true./ she shook her little head and said "no way Fred"./ i got me another girl ./she winked at me and said. / i'm an expert,/ i'm the best in all the world./ and just when all my cares are gone about a million bugs start carrying on. /we get to see them all,/ right on the table!/ at half past two,/ i took some good advice./ with big and friendly/ Benny the bum./ drank a bucket of gin./ i chose the wrong companions,/ and i blew my mind and my money in vain./ when i awoke there was fog in my head. /i'd like to tell that guy with the bell to shove it into his ear. / i got no girl, i got no dough./ without friend,/ i was wet right through to the underwear./ my back still aches./ trying to get a bus./here comes an old truck driver.i climb up on the load./ i'm going back up north./
farewell to/ good fresh air./starry eyed heaven./ swimming in the ocean blue./ the grief i have known./ when snow flurries fall,/we'll be southbound again,/and we will raise another glass.
Stompin'
In memory of Stompin' Tom Connors 1936-2013
you might think its goofy, but/ thats the town i love the best./ while away down south in ontario/, i was buying up the bargains in the old market place./ at forty five below zero,/ i got no girl, there's nothing on tv,/ so i flew/ way down south in Mexico./ just a barbeque with a friend or two,/ the old folks gather in the parlor./ when i climbed your hills of promise,/ on tragedy trail./ the man at the top,/ he tries to smile. /when he said bend over i was ready to leave. /nothing but a dirty old man./ Must have burned at the way i turned my nose up in the air and said/ " i wont go along with your plan",and streaked off. with Irish Jim O'Connell. and Scotty Jack,MacDonald. and waldo./
Shanty town./ we're out to have a fun day for its Saturday tonight. down the street you can hear the beat, and the clickin of the dancers heal./ me and my sue are going to woop de doo. /but thats all right./she could have been true./ she shook her little head and said "no way Fred"./ i got me another girl ./she winked at me and said. / i'm an expert,/ i'm the best in all the world./ and just when all my cares are gone about a million bugs start carrying on. /we get to see them all,/ right on the table!/ at half past two,/ i took some good advice./ with big and friendly/ Benny the bum./ drank a bucket of gin./ i chose the wrong companions,/ and i blew my mind and my money in vain./ when i awoke there was fog in my head. /i'd like to tell that guy with the bell to shove it into his ear. / i got no girl, i got no dough./ without friend,/ i was wet right through to the underwear./ my back still aches./ trying to get a bus./here comes an old truck driver.i climb up on the load./ i'm going back up north./
farewell to/ good fresh air./starry eyed heaven./ swimming in the ocean blue./ the grief i have known./ when snow flurries fall,/we'll be southbound again,/and we will raise another glass.
Demolition derby
Earlier this season an extravaganza was given at one of the hillside mansions for 'the beautiful people' here for the season. There was the usual piles of food, an open bar and live music. The booze flowed freely and everyone one was having a grand old time. The party's host wisely advised with the invitations that all should arrive by taxi as the road can be quite treacherous and parking maybe an issue. Of course almost all drove their own cars and parked one after the other along the sides of the narrow cliff road. As people began to want to leave, the problem became apparent. Not many folks are actually capable of driving back down a steep winding mountain road when they are sober in the bright light of day, never mind trashed at night, and having to squeeze through all the parked vehicles. At this point some genius suggested that everyone should leave in the reverse order that they arrived. The idea was not met with a positive response. Eventually some of the more macho of the guys (on advice from their wives) decided that they weren't going to wait and they would have no problem backing down the hill- unlike the pussies who waited. The two big SUVs left together with one following closely on the heels of the first. They were rolling smoothly along until the first bend when the first loud crunch was heard. With the second vehicle riding the tail of the first, what happened next was a chain reaction pile up a la 'its a mad mad mad mad world' , all the way down the mountain. In the aftermath, there were surprisingly no physical injuries, though much ego bruising, as well as 19 cars with minor damage, two requiring a tow, and two others left dangling over the mountain's edge. It took over 3 hours and 2 backhoes to untangle the mess. Once the road was reopened, most chose taxis and settled for retrieving their vehicles another day. The bar was drained dry.
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